Part I – Exodus, Stage Left

Chapter 1

“How far away from each other can we possibly get?” Bella challenged. “That’s the question.” She was still staring toward the blazing logs in the fireplace, arms crossed – expression defiant. The air was charged with a seesaw balance of latent resentment and a desperate reluctance to pursue such an extreme and unusual intervention. 

“We talking space flight here or are we keeping it to terra firma?” Devin asked, trying to keep the mood light.

Bella rolled her eyes. “Terra firma refers to dry land, genius.”

Devin threw his hands up in surrender and leaned back on the couch. “Okay, I just want to be sure. I’m thinking you would enjoy the deep blue and serenity of the central Pacific. I hear the Tonga Trench is lovely this time of year. Maybe a three-hour-tour of the south…”

“Terra firma,” Bella interjected. “Dry land. Solid ground. Terrain, Devin.”

Devin scowled. Like most men, he hated it when an attempt at playfulness, employed to lighten a dark disposition, was brutally gunned down. Fly swatter one, beautiful dead butterfly, zero. “Okay, no space flight and no ocean voyages. Subterranean excursion probably also a no go,” adding under his breath, “despite its obvious appeal.” Perking up he said, “What the hell, I’ll even rule out desert islands with charming indigenous cannibals.”

“Opposite sides of the earth, Einstein,” Bella said impatiently. “That’s the question. How far is opposite?”

Devin was tapping and swiping on the screen of his notebook. From the corner of her eye Bella could see his lips moving as he read, swiped a few more times, and read again. She frowned and concentrated on the orange, yellow and blue flames leaping around fake, boring, unchanging logs. Solid, reliable, and static chemical imitations of something that was once alive. Why couldn’t they just burn real logs? Ugh. There was a painful analogy here. A heavy, precariously balanced boulder just waiting for her to try and peek beneath it. Best to leave that stone undisturbed until she was, well, elsewhere. Really, really elsewhere.

Still scanning the screen, Devin asked, “You sure we should be doing this, Chestnut? Still seems awfully rash and extreme.”

Bella groaned. “This isn’t the best time for pet names, Devin.” Before he could respond she added, “No quoting Collins, either.” Easing off on her unintended asperity, she implored, “Please let’s just get through this. We can wax rhapsodic later.” Devin’s shoulders rose and fell, signaling his reluctant acquiescence. The gesture was familiar, and usually indicated a sassy rejoinder was being fashioned and prepped for imminent deployment.

“Alright, here we go,” Devin declared. Using his fingers to move and zoom the image on the notebook, he said, “According to the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency, the circumference of the earth is 40,075 kilometers, or 24,901 miles at the equator.”

Bella sighed and rubbed absently at her temples in an attempt to massage her aching brain into the necessary computations. “Okay. So, if we agree to ignore differences in elevation, transportation logistics, and cost of travel and just calculate as the crow flies, then the number to use is 12,450 miles. If we got any further apart we’d start getting closer again in the other direction, right?”

“Oui.”

“Ugh. No French now, please.”

“Lo siento, senori…”

“English, Devin. English! Please engage business Devin. Comedy Devin can come out and play later.”

Devin frowned, but refrained from skewering the love of his life with a sharp riposte. It was clear the seemingly ludicrous idea of blasting off in opposite directions had really taken hold of Bella – or vise versa. A furtive sidelong glance confirmed it – her forward shields were definitely up. Formidable defenses? Yes. Impenetrable? Hard to say. Worth cracking? Always. With a steadfast and determined commander like Bella at the helm, the task would be arduous to say the least. A battle of some sort was looming, that much he was sure of. What type of battle, he didn’t know. Regardless, it seemed as though their blissful prelapsarian days were either gone, or locked up in a cold, barren, and secret location.

“Let’s work this,” Bella said, interrupting his thoughts. “We need to find two suitable places on opposite sides of the globe.”

“If you say so,” Devin moaned and nodded. “Keeping in mind that traveling opposite directions along latitude lines isn’t enough, assuming you want maximum physical distance. Taiyuan, China’s latitude is very close to Denver’s, but it’s only 6,500 miles away.”

“So, we’re looking for two points on the earth that could hypothetically be connected by a straight line running through the center of earth’s core. Diametrically opposite, right?”

“Careful, Bella,” Devin warned playfully, his face illuminated by the soft, powder blue glow of the notepad screen. “That kind of quick, computational intelligence and word-play is a bona fide turn-on.”

“Everything for you is a turn-on,” she noted sardonically. Gesturing to the notebook Bella said, “Giant, straight arrow through the planet, Boy Wonder. Focus.”

“Einstein, Genius, Boy Wonder,” Devin mimicked. “Following this perilous declivity will probably leave me with pond scum or Archaea.”

“You do seem to be headed in that general direction. End of the line is ‘nanobe.’”

“Wow,” Devin muttered. “Where there was light and heat, now only frigid darkness remains. Draconian efficiency deployed, captain. Potential passion positively pummeled.” Bella sighed heavily and leaned toward her purse on the coffee table. “Don’t bother with your cell,” Devin groaned. “You spend more time on that damn thing than a teenage boy spends playing video games and watching porn. Combined. Relax, I’m on this.” He scrolled through the browser search results and tapped on a link. A few seconds later he declared, “Touchdown! According to this fantastically nerdy website, we’re looking for the antipodal point between two locations. Huh, who knew there was a word for opposite sides of the planet? The website will handle the calculations.”

“Nailed it,” Bella said, sliding the cell into her pocket. “How does it work?”

“Stand by, please,” Devin said, quickly scanning the page. The room was silent, save for the whirring of the icemaker and the faint tick of the hall clock.

“Got it,” he declared. Leaning toward the screen and squinting slightly, he explained, “You pick a starting point on the map and it gives you the antipodal point; the exact location on the opposite side of the planet via the earth’s iron and nickel nucleus. Straight through the center and out the other side. Just need to plug in a coordinate or city.”

Bella started to speak, but Devin cut her off with a raised finger. “Forget it. We already agreed no one gets Paris, or anywhere in France, or Italy for that matter. Besides, the antipodal point for Paris is 800 kilometers off the coast of New Zealand.”

“I’m disappointed, Goblet,” Bella crooned, feigning girlish veneration. “Big strong, chivalrous man like you, I thought you’d want to send me somewhere posh and cultured while you demonstrated your virility by brazenly wrestling pandas in Shaanxi, or piloting a Hello Kitty inner tube in the middle of the Indian Ocean.”

 Devin grunted dismissively, but her quick grin and piquant glance hadn’t escaped his attention, nor had the use of his adopted sobriquet, gleaned from the heretofore prohibited Collins poem.

Chestnut’s shields are holding steady at 98%, cap’n.

“You wish,” Devin said. “Besides, being cuddled to death by a giant panda – in China or anywhere else – will negate my life insurance policy. No payout for death by exotic wild animals, poisons, toxins, projectiles, or sharp objects of any kind. Crazy the way insurance works these days, isn’t it?”

“What about drowning?” she asked, her voice a few pitches higher to feign innocence.

“I had that removed as well, in case we ever visit a pool or hot tub again. Or I choose to take a shallow bath. Didn’t want to temp you,” Devin clarified.

Bella rolled her eyes.

“Hey, Belladonna. Did you know that atropa belladonna, also known as the deadly nightshade, is extremely poisonous to humans? Does it bother you to be named after a toxic, lethal plant with fruit that resembles blueberries?”

“Not really, Devinaire. Does it bother you that Devin is insured for two million dollars and that he loves blueberries?”

“Deadly Nightshade strikes again!”

“Degenerate.”

Devin continued scanning his notebook. “According to this website, most of Europe antipodates in the ocean. Wait, New Zealand and Spain share a few mutual antipodal locations. Otherwise we’re looking at southeast Asia paired with South America.”

“Charming choices,” Bella remarked, absently twirling her hair.

Devin chuckled and suggested, “You know, I’d be willing to go float around the North Pole if it meant sending you to Antarctica. Maybe you could do a little stripper dance ‘round the South Pole. You know, give the polar bears a saucy show before dinner. I can see it now: long cinnamon hair swirling and cavorting in the frigid, katabatic 40-knot winds.”

“Sure thing sugar-pie,” Bella said, laying on a heavy Southern Belle. “As long as you do a sit-and-spin on the North Pole in the 130 knot katabatic winds. You’d look like a white meat Popsicle atop a three-foot tall frozen barber’s pole.”

“You do know there isn’t actually a real north pole, right? It’s an ice mass floating on the Arctic Ocean.”

“I guess you’d have to bring your own pole to sit and spin on, now wouldn’t you.”

“Kinky,” Devin teased. “I don’t recall that in your arsenal of rectal fantasies.”

Bella scowled. “Perverted troglodyte.”

“Second turn-on warning Bella. You know what happens when we engage in a word palaver. Not that I’m against another in a long line of glorious, indisputable victories. Still,” Devin said temptingly, “an erudite sobersides such as yourself should know better than to tangle with a superior interlocutor.”

Bella glared at him. The challenge lingered in the tense silence as she considered what to do next. Devin sat back, his cocky grin suggesting her refusal to engage equated to a forfeit. A deep, barely audible growl escaped from Bella’s pressed lips. “Insufferable imp.”

Shields down to 50%, sir! Blood pressure is rising. Her heart is showing signs of cavitation.

“Anfractuous termagant,” Devin said with a smirk.

Nimbly shuffling onto her knees Bella faced him temerariously. Devin remained sitting Indian-style, but rigid and braced for her offensive. The few inches she had on him were enough to further embolden her conviction. Cheeks flushed and eyes full of fire she hissed, “Knuckle-dragging, cantankerous scalawag!”

“Good one,” Devin complemented with a supercilious sneer.

Shields down to 40%.

“Not bad for a sumptuous, salacious pythoness.” With his right arm Devin imitated a slithering snake, exaggerating the sinuous motions. “‘La femme est à la fois pomme et serpent.’ You’re no exception, Isabella.”

“Mendicant peasant,” Bella shot back, trying to bridle an emerging smile. “Back when I used to like you, wielding such an arcane lexicon and quoting Heine might have inflamed my prurient desires.”

Her shields are droppin’ like a wee stone in the loch, cap’n. 25%!

“Back when,” she repeated for emphasis.

Devin smiled confidently. “Your elevated heart rate and dilated pupils would suggest a voracious, libidinous conflagration is raging deep, deep down inside you. But don’t let the precipitous increases in systolic and diastolic pressures stop you, Bella. There’s no reason for a depraved goddess such as yourself to leash your primal concupiscence.”

Bella pivoted and faced him. “Fork-tongued lascivious satyr,” she seethed, grabbing his shirt with both fists.

Shields almost depleted. Only 5% left. Take her down, cap’n!

In one swift, dexterous motion Devin planted his palms on the carpet and deftly swiveled his crossed legs behind him, bolting up onto his knees, mirroring Bella’s posture. Her hands still gripped and twisted his shirt, but now his height gave him a slight advantage.

“Bewitching and licentious drakaina. Game, set and match,” Devin proclaimed triumphantly. Before Bella could contest his declaration, Devin pounced. In one motion he tossed the glowing notepad aside and shot his arm out, hooking tightly around her narrow waist. The jarring force of their bodies colliding surprised Bella and she let out a defiant moan. Before she could protest Devin wrapped his hand behind her head and the gap between their mouths closed quickly. Insatiable lips merged eagerly. Tongues sparred adroitly – lunge, parry, riposte, ensnare. Clothes were expertly liberated and cast aside. Their bodies writhed, pressed tightly together, gliding smoothly on two thin layers of warm sweat; an intimate and unchoreographed dance of lust and dominance, like two feverish ballet dancers, intent on exploring each other through touch alone. Desire and passion were conveyed wordlessly through subtle but powerful electrical pulses conducted through skin-to-skin contact.

Bella’s fingers snaked through Devin’s thick hair. From his tousled crown, her fingers coursed down the back of his head to the end of the soft, black wave terminating a few inches above lithe and sculpted shoulders. Quickly reversing course, her strong fingers slid up his neck and seized a shock of smooth obsidian hair – emphasizing her conviction with a twist of her tongue around his, accompanied by a low, hungry growl.

The U.S.S. Bella has capitulated, for now.

“Wow!” Belladonna exclaimed, both surprised and impressed “They really went after it this time. Bella’s heart is pounding so loud I can barely hear myself think.”

“Same here. Loud, rhythmic heartbeat and short, rapid breathing. It’s like the soundtrack to the worst ‘70s porn ever. I think I can actually hear the blood pumping through his veins,” Devinaire replied.

“I’m surprised neither of them was injured. They should really stretch more muscles than the ones in their jaws before such dexterous escapades.”

“I don’t even think they really noticed when they fell off of the couch.”

“Damn that was good.”

“You can say that again.”

Belladonna giggled and sighed with deep satisfaction and amusement. “Damn.”

…